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Ilya
-Comic Book in Development-
A visual bildungsroman, self-art-therapy, and fiction
inspired by my feelings towards my father.
Recent progress
"Author and their Character - when the two are mixed and inseparable"
What is "Ilya"?
"Ilya" is a book-length comics currently in development. It's a work of bildungsroman, where the readers follow the development of protagonist Ilya's psychology and changing personality, primarily through Ilya's relationship with his father, towards embracing his status as a wounded healer.
This is an introspective project where I explore my conflicting feelings towards my relationship with my father on a symbolic level. "Ilya" started in winter 2020. This website documents the visual development for "Ilya":
drawings, animations, and the final comics.
"Ilya" is my own art therapy; it is a medium through which I make sense of my relationship with my father. It is urgent and imperative - for my mental health, and for our relationship.
Current Progress
I have hundreds of comics pages drew with pen on paper. It covers 30% of the story.
Then I slowly color everything in Procreate.
The story still needs detailed development. I need a screenwriter.
Story
The story traces the evolution of Ilya's relationship with his Father, Xosro, and their feelings towards each other. The reader follows Ilya from adolescence to adulthood as he navigates his co-existing love and hatred towards Xosro, leading to the point of "Ilya burning the bridge" mid-story where 18-year-old Ilya finally left Father in a violent confrontation. In the rest of the story, Ilya grows into adult, while searching possibilities of inner peace and reconciliation, and meaning of his experiences.
"Young Ilya at Father's Mansion",
charcoal, digital coloring in Procreate
"Toxicity of Hatred"
Procreate
During my conflict year with my dad, my own hate backfired. My chest started to feel weak and overwhelmed when I stayed hating for too long. My body felt sick as if under foreign attack. Hatred literally felt like a poison, spreading through my veins. This painting was made in recognition of the damaging power of hating, and as a reflection point that "you can't really afford to hate more, your plain body will suffer." I needed reactions other than hate, I needed to get to the bottom of this mysterious relationship.
What Initiated the Project -
Mysterious Hate
My dad was hardly ever the stay-at-home type, even before his divorce with my mom when I was 6 years old. My paternal grandmother sheltered my mom, who took custody, and I would hang out with dad on his occasional visits. We are used to not being physically together, and my 6 years of studying abroad has kept a natural distance between us, but spiritually, we have always been connected on a uniquely deep level. I think of it as a deep soul connection lasting numerous previous lives, in Buddhist terms.
I came back from studying in the US in 2020, and now we were geographically close. For the first time, I got triggered by him. He started intervening my career choices and spilling his own anxieties with life in general on me. I was surprised how furious I became at him and him controlling me. My fury quickly turned into a mysteriously powerful hatred - mysterious because we had always been amicable before, plus I simply do not hate people - I have never hated anyone this strongly. This hatred feels old; it's of a deep origin that I'm not even aware of and I can't fully explain.
I figured something else must be at work. Hence the exploration which started this project.
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